Creepypasta: the man outside the window

Today started like any other I went to school, and I hung out with my friends, but something happened when I went home. While I was still out with my friends, I got a text from my sister to come home immediately. This wasn’t uncommon because our mom is strict. I figured it was her being crazy over some little detail, that is one thing we both have in common we try to stick together or have each other’s backs when we need it. Other than that, my sister Mallory and I have never been close she’s a part of a different crowed and she’s two years older than me. 

When I walked into the house it was extremally quiet, I thought it was weird. I thought mom would have been raising hell by now. I called out saying,

“I’m home.”

 I got no response. I guess mom isn’t home, I wonder what’s going on. I then called out to my sister saying,

 “Why did you need me to come home” 

trying to figure out what the problem was. I got no answer, she always is upstairs in her room blasting music or has her headphones in. I start to make my way up to her room when I hear our dog barking outside. I yell to Mallory saying

“You are lucky moms not home she hates when the dog barks.” 

I turn around and head to the back door to let the dog in but he’s not at the door he’s standing in the yard barking at nothing. I go out and bring him inside, so he can calm down. I locked the door and headed back upstairs. 

I reach Mallory’s room, and I knock three times, no answer. 

“She’s deaf” 

I mutter under my breath. I walk in and say

“Hey Mallory, what’s going on?” 

still no response but I’m staring right at her, she’s looking out her window that overlooks the back yard. 

“Hello? Earth to Mallory?”

I walk up to her and put my hand on her Shoulder. She jumps and looks at me, with tears falling down her face saying,

“They’re dead.”

“What?”

 I say thinking this is some stupid joke her friends are trying to play on me. She looks back to the window, staring trough it as if she was looking for something. I flop onto her bed and say “nice joke now what’s really going on? Did Jason break up with you and now you are being emotional?” She still says nothing,

“commonnnn Mallory you are really starting to freak me out.”

 Mallory still doesn’t respond; I get up and walk in front of her and she flips out saying 

“MOVE HES GOING TO GET ME TOO!” 

I take a few steps back realizing something has really shaken her up, 

“You need talk to me, what’s going on?” 

She finally responds, 

“There is a man out there coming for me.” 

I look out the window and I don’t see anyone.

 “Mallory there is no one out there, did you take something”

I look out the window again thinking one of her friends will come running out of the woods with a mask. I turn to her, and I say, 

“Fine I’ll play along with this, what does the man look like?” 

Mallory reply’s saying, 

“I can’t see his face he is wearing a hat and a suit, but it’s all torn up like he was attacked.” 

I sit down and start asking questions

 “Why is this man after you?” 

she is hesitant in responding so I push by saying 

“Common how am I supposed to help you if I don’t know what’s going on.” 

I was about to taunt her again, but she said, 

“We messed with a box that we found at that abandoned house down the street.” 

Her saying that freaked me out because we both know not to go into that house, its haunted. I asked her

 “why would you ever go in there; you know how many stories there are about that house.”

 She hasn’t moved since her last freak-out still stuck looking out the window. She said, 

“Jason wanted to go look for anything valuable or cool.” 

She starts crying and saying 

“I told him not to go in there, I said it would be dangerous”

I grab some tissues off her desk bringing them to her trying to calm her down. I ask her 

“Where is Jason” 

she screams 

“HES DEAD, THEY ARE ALL DEAD.” 

“WHO IS THEY”

 I scream back. She starts crying harder,

 “Ok Mallory please calm down I need to know everything so I can figure out what to do” 

She beings by saying, 

“Last night Jason, Ellie, Aries, and I went into the house looking for anything good I was already scared to death. Because I knew of the stories.”

I chime in saying

 “The story about how there was a murderer that lived there” 

she replied with 

“Yes, I knew that all the people he killed in that house and how he was killed there. Jason kept telling me that those were just storied made up by our parents to stay away from the house.” 

I laughed because I knew that could also be true, but I could tell there was more to the story, so I told her to continue. She continued with,

 “After being there for a few minutes, we couldn’t find anything, so I tried to get us out by saying I’d buy us all ice-cream.” 

I chime in again saying, 

“I’m guessing it didn’t work.” 

“No it did not, before we could leave Aries comes back with a little box that he found hidden in the floor boards it was sealed tight and he couldn’t open it so he brought it back to us. Jason was really excited hoping there was jewelry or money in it, so he smashed it on the floor where it shattered. When we looked down, we saw ashes and some bones in the box. I screamed and ran out of the house. The others didn’t follow me, I waited outside for them, but Ellie was the first to exit. She told me that the boys were still in there hunting. We sat outside for fifteen minutes before we heard a scream, and both of the boys came running out saying “they saw him.”

“Are you referring to the man outside?” 

I asked. 

“yes” 

she replied and continued with 

“Ellie laughed at them thinking they were babies, but I was freaked out I told them I wanted to go home but Aries and Jason didn’t like Ellie taunting them. So they went back in, after an hour Ellie and I went back in looking all over the house for them but they were nowhere to be found.”

 “Is that why you think they are dead?”

 I asked. 

“Yes and no, we never found their bodies, but we found their phones and the watch I gave Jason, I can only assume that something happened to him. Ellie and I called the cops trying to tell them that we saw two guys go into the house and they told us they would check up on it.” 

I don’t know what has come over me, but it feels like there is so much more that she wasn’t telling me, so I asked

 “Did the cops find anything?” 

“No they said that the boys must have ran off when they heard the sirens. We thanked them and waited longer at this point we had been out there for over five hours and no sign of them. Ellie and I were about to leave when we saw a man come out of the doorway. Ellie and I watched as the man stood there; we were extremely creepered out, but Ellie decided to go talk to him because maybe he knew what had happened to our boys. As she walked closer the man started to creep back into the house. Ellie followed him in and that was the last time I saw her. I waited outside for her, but she never came out. And now I am afraid that he’s coming for me too.” 

I still have so many questions, the story makes sense but there are so many missing parts 

“So why are you staring at him” 

I ask.  

“I’m not sure I just know that every time I look away, he gets closer.”

I stared at her, my expression completely still. My throat was dry, and my heart started to pound, could she be telling the truth? I’m not sure why but I can’t get rid of this gut feeling she right. 

“Every time you look away... he moves?”

 I repeated, trying to get a full understanding. Mallory nodded, not blinking 

“He doesn’t move when I look at him. But when I don’t… he gets closer. I swear he was standing at the tree line an hour ago. Now he’s almost halfway through the yard.”

Mallory finally turned to me, grabbing my arm with a grip that felt desperate. 

“He’s real. And he wants me.”

Something about her voice made me want to cry. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but we heard a thud downstairs made us both flinch. I say,

“It must have been the dog; I will go check it out”

She looks at me and says,

“You locked the door, right?”

“I… I think so,” I replied, now completely unsure. 

Another thud it was louder this time. It was coming from the back door.

“I think the dog really wants out”

I am trying to stay strong, really hoping that this is just a horrible prank.

 “Stay here,”

 I told her, even though I didn’t want to go and check. She grabbed my hand.

“Don’t leave me.”

“Mallory, I just need to make sure we’re safe, okay? I’ll be right back.”

I ran downstairs, taking the steps two at a time. The dog was growling, low and rumbling, standing at the door with his ears flat and tail down. I crept up slowly, peeking through the curtains.

Nothing. Empty backyard. So, I let the dog out hoping that this will end some of Mallory’s terror.

I locked the door and checked it twice just to be sure, then backed away, heart racing. I grabbed my phone and dialed Dad. Straight to voicemail. I tried Mom. Same. I opened our family group chat and started typing when I heard 

BANG!

A loud slam from upstairs.

“Mallory!” I screamed.

I sprinted back up to her room, throwing the door open.

Empty.

No sign of her. She was gone, and now it has been weeks with her missing and no one believes the story I’ve been telling.

Comments

  1. This was a really interesting submission! I love how you chose to tell it from Ellie's point of view rather than Mallory's, though I do wonder what direction this story would have taken if Ellie was involved with the box too.
    One thing you might consider if you choose to come back to this story in the future is just to read over it and correct some punctuation errors. For example: "WHO IS THEY" is a very expressive sentence, and we can tell that from the all-caps, but it's missing punctuation, like a question mark.
    You might also consider making your narrators reactions a little more consistent. To me, it seems like she's not taking it seriously, then she's unsettled and worried about her sister, then she's laughing, then has a really bad gut feeling. Then, when she gets back downstairs, she opens the back door and acts like she doesn't believe her sister again. I know her opening the door is meant to progress the story to Mallory's disappearance, but if you were to go back to this story I wonder if it would be better to have the parents come home and let the dog out instead, in order to keep Ellie's thoughts, actions, and motivations easier for the readers to understand.
    Overall though, this is a very spooky story and I am left just as unsettled and grasping for answers as Ellie, which I think captures the unknown feel most creepypastas have. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is cinema! There is a lot of dialogue and I love that, makes the story make more sense on the story that Mallory was telling from her point of view. I felt like I didn't need the narrator much since you could tell easily how both characters were feeling. The story itself made me want to keep reading from the beginning until the end which made it engaging since there was constantly dialogue and was easy for my own interpretation of the house, and the "man outside". I really enjoyed the story and seeing different version of creepypasta, good job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I really enjoyed this story, Shelby! I particularly liked your use of an outsider perspective here, as it adds perhaps an eerier vibe, and more of a mysterious ending. It reminded me of Slender Man and I could picture the "being" perfectly! For revision, I would consider maybe making the sisters reactions more consistent as I felt she reacted with laughter, worry and was ultimately unbelieving. It also seemed by the end, the sister had no emotion now that Mallory was gone. I would consider showing her worry perhaps through an action. Maybe she hasn't been able to eat or just says her and her family are worried sick? Overall, this was a fun read and I am glad you shared this story with us.

    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love how you went the route of creating your own urban folklore! You took the concept of the haunted house and made your own slenderman-esque serial killer entity. However, unlike slenderman, he is presumably a real person. I'm so curious about what happened to everyone. Since he can travel so fast, maybe he took them to a second location? It would be cool to have Ellie stumble across a ritualistic dumping ground that could tie in to how the killer is able to continue existing on Earth. This has so much suspense and horror elements and I truly think you could take it to the next level.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I loved this submission. I remember when I was younger watching a short horror video on YouTube that followed some of the same plot. I loved the box part itself. Although I am still wondering why the box summoned this person and how since it was an almost empty box. Some of the names in the story made me laugh just because of who they symbolize to us. I did find some small grammar errors in this story but it isn't something big enough to make me think about too much. All together I really enjoyed this story and think it was a great submission.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This was an interesting take on a creepypasta. Generally, from what I've seen of them at least, creepypastas are typically told from the point of view of the person who experienced the weird, creepy, phenomenon. Your story was told to the narrator by someone else, making the narrator an outsider to the experience. It definitely shaped how we the readers interacted with the story! My only real comment is that it seems a little rushed because of this. Since Mallory is telling her sister the story while in the middle of what is happening, the man chasing her, there are a lot of details to her story that she could be leaving out. Maybe changing when this is happening could benefit. Like, for example, making Mallory tell her sister immediately after everything at the house happened, and then her sister finding her at the window already knowing the context. Just a thought! I really enjoyed this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A striking creepypasta which starts great and keeps up the adrenaline! The characters felt real, and this shadow man felt like a real threat. Mallory begging her sister not to leave is quite sad on a second read! I enjoy all the unanswered questions and how the shadow man is only described through Mallory, making our protagonist a third person narrator. The emphasis on dialogue over setting descriptions allowed me to easily envision my own visuals, but some might prefer some more. However, this being a "creepypasta" and a recounting of events, it makes perfect sense for the genre. The only part which seems a little inconsistent is how our protagonist laughs when the stories are brought up. It seems a little weird since her sister was just screaming about "THEYRE ALL DEAD" and now explaining while clearly petrified. But overall, a fantastic read from start to finish!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Shelby! I really enjoyed this piece and was hooked from the beginning! You move the story well, and I think focusing on Mallory's dialogue to tell the story is a great way to tell the story without "telling" the story. I think this piece is made most effective by the fact that it's told from an outsider's perspective, allowing a distance of mystic to grow from the encounter with the haunted house. We have questions, and so does the sister. I thoroughly enjoyed the story, and the ending works well because the sister was never involved in bothering spirits or whoever the entity killing Mallory and her friends. The one thing that I would question would be if her parents are dead or not, because it wouldn't make sense for this entity to kill the parents and not kill our narrator. I think it works extremely well with the horror story vibe for only those involved to be killed by the entity, and to even be able to see the entity. This is a super interesting piece with an urban legend bite! Nice work!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your use of perspective is well done, and overall I believe you paved this story well. I really enjoyed reading it! This story reminds me of creepypastas I’ve heard on YouTube, which makes me curious if you’ve ever written a creepypasta before? Grammatically, a few changes could be made, but they don’t take away from the strength of your storytelling. You did a great job utilizing Ellie’s character to build suspsense with the creepy man! I also loved the amount of inner monologue we got to see with our protagonist. I was a little confused about how the concept of Mallory always having to look at the man was staged. Maybe you could spend a little more time depicting this. Thanks for sharing this cool story!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular Posts