Long Distance

 Today is February 9^th, five days before Valentine’s Day. A holiday that always seems to be my favorite, but not this year. The holiday that is supposed to be about love and romance almost feels like a mockery to my life. The fact of knowing that everyone is spending their night with a Romanic partner and being able to cuddle up with them at the end of the night haunts me. The ironic part is that I have a great love life, I have been with my boyfriend David for almost 3 years. This will be our first valentines apart and its extremely difficult, I think this holiday is the hardest because there is just so much love everywhere. David has been deployed for 7 months and he still has 5 months left. With him being gone for seven months he has missed birthdays, holidays, and so much more. I have missed him so much and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Our relationship is strong enough to make it through this and I know it is because we have been through so much already. I was there when his brother died, and he was there when my parents got a divorced. To others is may be weird to be so in love with your best friend but not for me. Our relationship is only three years old, but our friendship is over 12 years. We met back in our freshman year of high school by being forced to work on a project together, it is funny how two people can meet and know they are supposed to be together forever. I had always had some romantic feelings for David, and I think he did too, but we never wanted to ruin the friendship we had. We both never made it more than that until the day he showed up to my house at 2 in the morning with flowers asking to be his girlfriend. He told me that he had been up all night trying to find the courage to ask me. I didn’t even hesitate when he asked, I told him he was stupid to think I would say no. Every day since had been perfect, until he told me he was enlisting into the army. I was so angry and confused with him, I had so many questions, why, when, where and most importantly what about me? His only answer was that he wanted to be able to support me. I was still so upset with the idea of him leaving, and the worst part is we would have little to no contact. We spent every day together till he left, and it was heart breaking to see him leave. He told me to stay strong because he would have a surprise for me when he got back. When he told me that I laughed and told him that I should be the one telling him to be strong. After he was gone it took two weeks before my first phone call. He had FaceTime me showing me how balled he now was. He was only given 30 minutes to talk, I spent half of that crying telling him that I need him to come home. I asked how often I would be able to talk to him, I think he said every Sunday. The phone call was so difficult it constantly buffered and would cut out so much. I didn’t care as long as I got to talk to him. Every Sunday like clockwork he would call, and I would cry, we would talk about everything. The things he got to experience and everything that he was missing back home. I didn’t get a call today, he told me this could happen if they got in trouble. I tried to stay positive with what could have been going on, but my head just spiraled. What if their base was bombed, what if he was shot, what if… what if… it has been a never-ending spiral. I talked to his parents trying to see if they had any information. But they were just as concerned as I was. Now I have to wait a week to see if I get a phone call. This is going to be longest week ever. The only thing I can do now is go to bed and pray for a better tomorrow. I wake up at 6:30 and check my phone, I was looking for a text from him. I really was dreading to get out of bed, so I decide to scroll through our chats.  DAVID: Good Moring baby I love you I hope you have a great day 12:45 Thursday November 12^th. This text makes me smile and gives me the strength to go to work. As I’m getting ready my phone buzzes: EMAIL… you have a package ready at the post office please come and collect it. I don’t have enough time to get it now, so I’ll get it after work. I have a navy-blue Jetta that gets me from point A to point B. I have been saving to get a new car, a Honda Civic to be exact but I’m happy with what I have. I pull into the black bear cafe my part time job. I started the coffee and put out fresh muffins. My coworker also my best friend Lilly had just walked in. I asked her how her night was, knowing that she probably met the man of her dreams at the club. Her first sentence to me was “you’ll never believe who I met last night”. I laugh and ask “who?” knowing it will be some tall blond with blue eyes, she has a type. As she starts to ramble on about, the man of her dreams, I fade into daydreaming of David. I wonder what our kids will look like? Do you think he would ever grow a beard? Would he look good with a beard? None of this really matters so I just try to focus back on my work its already 12:30 I have 30-minute left of my shift before I go work at the animal shelter. Time really does fly when you’re not focused on it. Before I clock out Davids best friend Calvin comes in to talk to me. I haven’t seen him in forever and the first thing he asks is “how’s David?” I hold back everything I want to say, I hope he is ok, I haven’t been able to talk to him in over a week. I lie and say, “he’s doing good but I’m ready for him to come home.” Calvin reply’s with “me too” we both laugh. As I finished making his coffee, I handed it to him, and he leaves. It was weird to see him without David, because I know Calvin and I are friends but the only thing we ever bonded over was him. I clock out and rush to my car, I start to cry. It’s almost hysterically crying, and I can’t stop, I grab my phone to see what I look like, I looked scared, lost, and tired. I was able to calm down, just tried to take deep breaths and I told myself everything was going to be ok. I went back to my phone to look through my photos with David. As I pulled open the app, I realized I had taken a photo of myself crying, it was so sad. I quickly deleted it and the next picture was of David and I, we were working at the shelter together. That was always something I loved about him, he had a love for animals and always wanted to help them. I smile and put my phone down and head to the animal shelter. The whole shift I played with the animals and helped others choose a pet to go home with. That was probably the best part of the job, helping animals find their forever homes. That’s how I am guessing I’ll feel when David finally comes home, like adopting a puppy and bringing him back home.  After the last set of paperwork, it is time for me to go home. As I reflect on today, I realize it went by really fast and even though there were some rough parts it was over all a really good day. I pull into my apartment bulling at 6:45, I head straight upstairs ready to jump into the shower. I rushed into the apartment and put everything on the counter. As I start to walk away from my phone it starts going off like crazy. I pick it up looking at what was going on. Calvin is blowing up my phone to look at the news! Something happened with where David was stationed. I dropped to the floor crying. I didn’t even need to look at the news to know that whatever happened was bad. I sat in the middle of the floor for what felt like days. I crawled into bed hoping to find comfort in my sheets. I wish my mind would stop racing about the things I could have done to stop him from going into the army. I started to blame myself for everything that happened. I rolled over in bed reaching for something that wasn’t there. “David” I cried aloud, “why couldn’t have been me? I don’t know how to live without him, he is my life.” I caught myself, “he was my life.” I lay in bed awake all night. My phone laying on my bed continued to buzz. I refused to look, only knowing it would be people trying to console me. I picked my phone up once to call work explaining I had a sudden death, and I wouldn’t be able to come to work for a while. After that I didn’t touch my phone for days, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I laid in bed rotting away hopping for some reason to live, my only movements were to get up and use the restroom. I had two people stop by Calvin and Lilly; they both were trying to get ahold of me. I couldn’t get up I didn’t want them to see me like this, I was sleep deprived, I hadn’t showered in days, and I know I had a bad smell. On Thursday at 8am I had gotten up to use the restroom and I heard a loud knock on the door. I tried to ignore it, but it only seemed to get louder. I planned to walk to the door just to see who it was. But no one was there just a Togo bag from a restaurant. I opened the door and picked up the food and brought inside. When I opened the bag, it had steamed dumpling from David an I’s favorite Chinese restraint. I hadn’t eaten so when I smelled the food, I could do nothing but devour them. After it was the first time I had smiled, knowing that David would have brought me dumping when I wasn’t feeling good. It felt like he was watching over me. I wanted to start my day by at least taking a shower, I needed to get all this grime off me. I turned the shower as hot as possible and stepped in, I felt extremely weak, so I sat on the ground. Feeling the water hit my face woke me up, it was refreshing and felt good to finally be clean. I finished my shower and got into comfy cloths, I moved to the couch no longer wanting to be trapped in my room. I started to go through my phone texting everyone back, letting them know I was ok and that I appreciate their support. It really did mean a lot to see how much people care but I couldn’t find peace with it. After replying to the people, that were consoling me. I realize I have 17 miss calls from an unknown number. I thought it was weird that they called so much but never left a voice mail. I tried to find more about the number, but I couldn’t find anything other than the 3 text that they left me.  unknown: why aren’t you answering. Yesterday 12:34. Unknown: HELLOOOO!!!!! Yesterday 1:04. Unknown: I really miss you and I thought you would have missed me too. Yesterday 1:14. That last text sent me through a since of shock and confusion. I knew it couldn’t have been David, and there was no one else I could have been “missing”. The speculation of it being David started to rise, I quickly googled what happened to his baes. It was bombed, tears started to form in my eyes. I tried to read further. Article: BASE 149 ALPHA PTL#3 BOMBED; area unsafe to search. Survivors unaccounted for, deaths unaccounted for. I knew that he was in so much danger, why didn’t I ever warn him, or tell him to leave. I stared at my phone for about 12 minutes, before I get another text from the unknown number. Unknown: I hope you were able to enjoy the dumplings. I didn’t want to barge in unexpected. I still want to see you so I can clear things up. I can tell you are mad at me.” So, he brought me the dumpling, but how did he know that they were my favorite thing to make me feel better. I wasn’t sure how to respond to the text. I still wasn’t sure who it was. I take my time with creating a text saying, “I’m not mad just confused, why do you want to meet so badly?”  with no hesitation he responds with “you’re acting really weird; I miss you that’s why I want to see you.” Directly after he said “meet me at the park at 10. I promise ill to explain everything.” I respond with “ok.” I had already played it out in my head, the worst thing that could happen is that I’d be murdered by a creepy stalker. But in all honesty, it would work out so I could be with David again. I think I started to get my hopes up on dying. I was planning on what outfit I would be wearing, how I should do my make up. It made me feel like a girl again, I spent the rest of the day planning for my death. I went to bed smiling thinking I can’t wait to be with him again. The next day, Friday. Today was the day I die! And I wasn’t upset, I got up early and started to get ready. I would have said I looked cute; I was wearing a pink dress with my hair down. I wore my best jewelry, thinking if I had to be going, I might as well let them take something worth a penny. I walked out of the house and started to the park. The unknow number didn’t have to tell me what park because if he was stalking me, he would know that this one is my favorite. I head to my usual spot and sit on the bench. I looked at my phone, 9:58, and I was early. Wow looking pathetic right now, I close my eyes and prayed hoping that it would be easy and painless. I started to hear footsteps come close. I closed my eyes tighter waiting for impact, but I got nothing but a voice saying are you going to look at me? My eyes shot open; I know that voice. “DAVID!” I scream. “WHAT THE HELL” I start to cry looking at him holding a bouquet of flowers. He said, “Happy Valentines Day Baby” I barely made out the words saying, “I thought you were dead.” He was extremally confused saying “what in the world makes you think that” I showed him my phone and all the news articles about his base getting bombed. He was shocked that it had happened. His whole base fled that station last Sunday because their location was compromised. That was what he wanted to apologies for, not talking to me on Sunday. He had thought I was mad at him, and not responding to his texts and calls. I would have never guessed it was him, the unknown number, and not having any voice mails. He also explained that the mailbox was full, and he couldn’t have left any. After that surprising encounter we were able to spend valentines Day the way it was truly intended, together.